tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 17, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. to those visiting, welcome to los angeles. possible future home of the 2024 summer games. the olympics -- do people outside of l.a. know that? do people inside l.a. know that? the olympic city picked post to host the olympics but the people of boston said, no, thank is. we can barely find parking spots as it is. they withdrew their bid. and then like a pathetic former lover -- like the successful orthodontist who marries the winner of the state beauty pageant eight years after she
stepped in and said, we're interested, now hoping the olympics will select us. we have a logo. the l.a. olympic committee unveiled this official logo representing our city's most popular back tattoo? it's a great logo for a community dance studio, the olympics i'm not sure. it's okay but i think we need to make this more representative of los angeles. we can do that simply by doing this and that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] our state bird, the flying kardashian. that would be a great new logo for the rams too. now that we have a logo we can move forward. the only problem with l.a. hosting the olympics is by 2024 there's good chance we won't have enough water left to fill an olympic-sized swimming pool. do they have dry diving? that could be fun. pope francis is in mexico this week where we got to see
think we've ever seen from a pope, that is anger. that is the pope. i don't know hot guy behind him is but he's trying to keep people calm. watch this, the pope all of a sudden gets annoyed. and starts yelling at someone in the crowd. he got snippy. i don't know who he yelled at but it's kind of fun to see a pissed-off pope i have to say. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] a similar angle in this one you can hear what he was saying, listen closely because the audio is not great. there's the pope. he gets pulled in. into a guy in a wheelchair. >> don't make me -- i just washed this hand! i just washed this hand! >> jimmy: you can see somebody licking him. he sounded a little bit like you. >> guillermo: a little bit like me. >> jimmy: a little bit, not too
un poco? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: president obama yesterday made it clear which candidate he does not think will be moving into the white house. and even explained why. >> i continue to believe mr. trump will not be president. and the reason is because i have a lot of faith in the american people. and i think they recognize that being president is a serious job. it's not hosting a talk show. [ audience booing ] >> jimmy: excuse me? i host a talk show and it's a very serious job. just the other day i recapped "the bachelor" using emow gees. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this really makes me mad. oh, i'd love to hear him say that to oprah.
stuff like pardoning a turkey on thanksgiving but i'll tell you something, mr. obama. every minute of every day i'm thinking about how to keep americans safe of matt damon, are you thinking about that? [ cheers and applause ] as you might expect, donald trump responded negatively to the president's comments too. donald trump and his republican rivals are facing off in a series of town hall events in south carolina. tonight ben carson, ted cruz, and marco rubio squared off. tomorrow it's trump versus jeb bush and john kasich. trump had his own town halton night on msnbc. just him and a town and a hall. and he had a rally yesterday in north augusta. apparently a man in the crowd removed or helped remove a female protesters and trump was soil pressed he invited a guy to join him. >> who is the person, raise your
come here. come here. say it. i tell you what. i ain't going to lie to you, when you first got into this i kind of was lippy. i ain't gonna lie. i don't know, donald trump. >> jimmy: i did not understand one word of that, right? could anyone translate that? oh, yes, sir? yeah, can you help me? >> he said, i tell you what i ain't gonna lie to you, donald. when you first get into this i kind of was a little iffy, i ain't gonna lie. you're the best we got by far. >> jimmy: oh, all right, thank
[ cheers and applause ] like a trapper cone came to life. kendall and kylie jenner released a new iphone app. a great name for the app, it's called kendall ask kylie. this is the game. it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of kendall and kylie jenner," another way of saying stare at your home for hours. once you down load this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] these kardashian apps seem so dumb, then they make a billion dollars. then i remember when i was young the game i loved was a plumber who tried to kill monkeys. kylie jenner signed a deal to be spokesperson for puma, reportedly back and forth seven figures. the announcement was made by
and market hog said kylie represents a fresh and exciting new era for fashion and we couldn't think of a more fitting and influential female to headline this campaign. really? how hard were you thinking? seems like if you'd given ate bit more time an idea might have come to you. the reason this is funny, kylie's brother-in-law kanye -- west -- works closely with adidas. after the announcement waction made he insisted publicly it was not going to happen. he tweeted 1,000% there will never be a kylie puma, anything, that's on my family, 1,000%, kylie is on easy team. it was a little less than 1,000%, turns out. i'll say something, a shame. i've seen too many families torn apart by shoe endorsements and i pray that does not happen to the jenner-wests. we're almost at the height of
the oscars are a week from sunday night here on abc. did year there are eight films nominated for best picture, which is a lot of movies. we asked our pal yehya to review some of the nominees to help you decide which of the best you want to see. i need to say up front yehya is not a member of the academy. but he is a lover of celebrities and cinema and here he is now with his review of leonardo dicaprio's "the revenant." >> action! hi, i'm talking about the movie behind me, it's called that "raventoni," leonardo dicaprio. i'll kill you, son, couple you, everybody think that he die, and he come out again. you know, and he's a -- huh? right? and i got picture with leo. nice guy. good actor. he do the movie with zhaq
do the movie, gumbar klib, rubber demere i don't "bug's life," he do the movie with new tom hanks. the english woman in the boat, sink in the war. fake. i don't know, some people said apparently won't go sex with leo, which is not true. because is no sex, is jump up to him and with the teeth and his -- you know, it's crazy, don't come very close to the zoo, very close to the animal, it can kill you for no reason because he don't have brain. is animal. >> animal! >> one day i saw one lady in tv show, she so hope. he come, catch the woman onto the ground, and good she not die.
watching the movie. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's the best damn zoologist in egypt. did you understand any of that? >> nope. >> jimmy: a teenager in florida is in trouble for opening his own medical practice. prince has released the greatest passport photo of all-item. chris stapleton puts your east-favorite words to music. stick around, we'll be right back! whatcha gonna do when you get outta here? i'm gonna have some fun! what do you consider fun? fun, natural fun! ow! i'm in heaven with my boyfriend, my laughing boyfriend. steppin' in a rhythm to a funky flow. who needs to think when your feet just go? whatcha gonna do when you get outta here?
from chris stapleton on the way. first, a crazy thing happened in florida. i know, i was surprised too. a teen was arrested yesterday for prestent tending to be a doctor and running his own fake medical practice. he had an office and everything. he's 18. authorities became suspicious when during a mammogram he kept giggling and saying the word "boobies," a red flag. big news in palm beach, this kid has quite a history already. >> detectives arrested 18-year-old malachi love robinson for practicing medicine without a license. we've been investigating love robinson since early january when he held a grand opening party for his new west palm beach medical clinic. are you telling the community that you are, in fact, a doctor who's qualified to treat patients? >> i am not portraying myself as an m.d. >> reporter: love robinson says he is not an m.d., as his taped-over clinic sign, that's a
>> i didn't operate, i didn't reach in someone's uterus, i didn't snatch up a baby. >> jimmy: right, what's everybody freaking out about? i'll never forget the moment our doctor reached into my wife's uterus and snatched out the baby. it was one of the happiest moments of my life. by the way, anyone who thinks that kid is a doctor needs to see a doctor. [ cheers and applause ] i hope he also pretends to be his own lawyer when i shows up to court. this is another good one, there are a lot of individual yoles out there of people who have strange reactions to the drugs they give you. after the operation people go nut in the car on the way home. this might be the best since david after the dentist, titled "bart after dental surgery." >> you okay? what do you have? do you have your tape? >> yeah. here. >> let me see your tape. i want to make sure you have it. okay. >> it's right here.
>> if my head falls off. >> your head won't fall off. >> yes, it will. >> no worries, it's not going to fall off. >> okay. >> what's going on? >> you're going to do great, okay? >> yeah. >> feel better in the bed? >> no. >> how come? >> because if my head falls off nobody can hear me. >> i'll hear you, okay? >> okay. [ laughter ] plause. >> jimmy: boor part. i never saw -- when did dentists start giving people lsd? i would watch a whole show out of people coming out of the dentist dentist's office. the artist formerly and currently known as prince has released what might be the passport photo to end all passport boat toes. this is prince, his actual passport photo. he tweeted this. this isn't just a passport to get into a another country, this
another world. i like to think he spent three hours at the cvs photo center making the lady take this shot over and over again. then having sex with her. we have a good show. from "new girl," megan fox is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] ben mckenzie and music from grammy award-winning artist out of nashville, happens to be one of my favorites, chris stapleton. [ cheers and applause ] chris has been working on -- he won a couple of grammys over the weekend. he's been working on a special new album, a concept album. the concept is interesting. he's taken the most irritating words in the english language and turned them into this. >> you just saw him win two grammys. >> thank you very much. i want to thank you. >> now hear him sing songs that will make you cringe. >> i'm chris stapleton here to tell you about my new album,
hate the most into songs you love the most. >> "cringeworthy" full of songs like "panties." panties tell me are you wearing panties >> "nom-nom yummy nom-nom." because i'm a foodie >> "ladyfriend." this is brenda she's my ladyfriend i'm singing lady lady lady lady friend >> va-jay jay. hey hey that's your have a jay jay and that's okay >> and many, many more.
scrotum scrotum scrotum scrotum scrotum awesome sauce delish >> and the breakout love song of 2016 -- you make me moist and juicy so juicy moist when i feel juicy i also feel moist when i feel moist i also feel juicy where you going, ladyfriend? >> chris stapleton's "cringeworthy." order now and get a free tube of ointment. >> ointment! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, chris. i see gramny number three on the way.
chris stapleton, from "gotham" ben mckenzie, be right back with megan fox! [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to deliciously different dave's single, double and triple. f in a lot less time. like look at a site or watch a video without opening it. you can do pretty much everything faster. shooting stuff. couch shopping. shoe shopping. kind of. checking a flight from an email. i'm peeking my flight. i'm not peeking my flight. i'm peeking my...wait, i missed my flight. owl photos. desert photos. photos of... dolphins! a high-stepping man. pizza gifs.
from "both that will," future commissioner ben mckenzie is here. later from nashville, tennessee, he just won two grammys for this album called "traveler." chris stapleton from the samsung stage. tomorrow night from "scandal," kerry washington." from "game of thrones," nicholas decoster. music from derulo. she refuses to come even though i sit on the stairs waiting in a nice way. she has returned to television tuesday nights on the show "new girl," on fox. police welcome megan fox!
>> jimmy: you haven't been here in a long -- like five iphones or something. >> i think it was 2009. >> jimmy: did i do something terrible, anything weird? >> no -- i mean, you always do. >> jimmy: how have you been? you have two little boys now. >> a 3-year-old and a 2-year-old. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what are the boys' names? >> know was the older one, bodie is the baby. >> jimmy: noah and bodie, bible and "point break." >> i was inspired by "point break" but it's a spiritual term for when a buddha becomes enliedened, it's short for that. >> jimmy: you grew up in a religious household but not a buddhist household? >> i grew up in a pentecostal household. it's southern christian. those are the people that like handle snakes. people are getting the holy ghost and speaking in tongues all the time. so the women in the church aren't allowed to wear pants, only dresses. you can't wear makeup, jewelry.
environment to grow up in. but i have -- i lean left of that now. >> jimmy: i see, yeah. there are no snakes in the house on sundays? >> no. >> jimmy: the boys can wear pants? >> the boys can wear pants. noah wears dresses. >> oh, really? >> you can be whatever you want to be in my house. >> jimmy: this is your instagram, you describe yourself as child of the cherokee tribe, forest nymph, lunar leo mother goddess to two bohemian revolutionaries. >> yes. >> jimmy: do the boys know they are bohemian revolutionaries? >> they informed me when i was pregnant with them. they tell you who they are if you're open to it. >> jimmy: noah said, i'm a bohemian revolutionary. the other one said, guess what, you got another one. >> me, too. >> jimmy: two bohemian revolutionary revolutionaries. >> i don't think someone that's going to be a financial planner is going to come to me as a mother.
more artistic and rebellious types. >> jimmy: you talk about lunar leo? >> that's astrology. my moon is in the sign of leo. that's something that i associate with. leo is sort of -- that's the sign that's always in the spotlight. >> jimmy: you believe in that? here's what i think about astrology. is if -- like somebody is born on the same day, at the same time as hitler. so that doesn't make them like also a hitler, right? >> no, but there's a polarity to everything. so with every sign you can take on the positive aspects or the negative aspects. so he obviously took on the negative aspects. >> jimmy: i think so, yeah, he really did. >> and it changes with every four minutes the chart changes. you would have to be born at the location. >> jimmy: who wrote all this down in the first place? >> in ancient times they didn't separate from it astronomy, they considered astrology and astronomy equally as relevant and important. it wasn't until the middle ages
advancements in science where it was sort of put off like a charlatan trade. before that it was really respected. i think that there's something to it. although we don't have all the information, which makes it easy for people to sort of take advantage of each other. >> jimmy: are you into that, fortune telling and psychic, that sort of -- i don't want to lump everything together. >> i mean, i'm not into it per se. i don't seek these people out. but i am -- i lean into it. >> jimmy: you lean into it for fun or a serious way? >> mm -- that's a good question. some of it for funi do think there's something to it. i just think that unfortunately, most people that are teaching it are not -- >> jimmy: you were coming out of a place with a book about palm reading? >> i've done research on astrology and i think i've gotten pretty good at it. i can predict when someone's going to give birth based on where the moon will be. i'm decent at it. i started to try to tender palmistry for fun.
but i've learns a little bit about it. that said, the only book i read about it was "the idiot's guide to palmistry." so i don't know how qualified i am. >> jimmy: you can tell someone's future from reading their palm? >> you can't really tell future. the idea is that the palm -- this exists in reflexology -- it's a reflection of the current psychological state. so the lines on your hand will change depending on what's happening in your life and depending on how you're dealing. >> mine have all gone away. i also have a red mark from a pen. would that affect -- would you like to read my palm? >> tattoos will affect it. let me try. >> jimmy: i don't have a tattoo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. >> first of all you want to identify the shape of the hand. so if you -- >> jimmy: mine's hand-shaped. >> it is hand-shaped. yours is -- like i have a water hand. my hand is long, longer fingers.
because you have a shorter palm that's wide with shorter fingers. >> jimmy: huh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why do i have to have an earth hand? >> that means that you're more practical than maybe people assume that you are. >> jimmy: oh, that's true. >> most people would assume you were not. >> jimmy: that is true. >> maybe you're more grounded than other people. someone with a water hand is prone to emotions that move with the tides, unpredictable. you're a more predictable person. >> jimmy: thank you. i think. >> can you show me what happens if you go to wave? >> jimmy: i -- just normal. like that. [ laughter ] >> do like a -- >> jimmy: like if i do this? no, if i was in a parade? i'd go like this. >> wait, wait. okay. okay, so your fingers are all -- >> jimmy: i feel like i've failed every test already. >> your fingers are relatively close together, which suggests
control freak. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that could be true, yeah, yeah. >> when i wave, this finger is really far away from the rest. so that shows somebody who's eccentric and doesn't try to belong to the crowd and has unusual ideas. >> it does? >> yeah. see how the first one is really far away? this is the finger of rules and laws -- >> jimmy: when i drink, i have a tendency to put my pinky out. like in a -- does that mean i'm classy? >> that means you're classy for sure. yeah. it also means you're an intellectual. >> jimmy: it does that. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: all right, oh. well. guillermo's been working with a trainer. maybe you could look at his hands. we'll talk about "new girl" also. megan fox, everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> jimmy: we are back with megan fox. ben mckenzie and chris stapleton are on the way. "new girl" is a show that zoe deschanel is a star on the show, she was on maternity leave, you were nice enough to come in and fill that gap? >> i don't do a lot of tv, i was skeptical of why were they asking me to do this, it's a comedy and i'm not associated with comedic stylings. i wanted to know what they pitched it and i thought it was really funny. i watched it and i think the show's hysterical and everybody on it is really talented. >> they are, and a nice group of people as well. >> really nice, a really fun time. i'd been filming a lot in new york so it was good to be able to be in l.a. >> jimmy: coming in as the new girl on "the new girl," did they
was there some feeling-out period? >> there was a brief feeling-out period. i mean, they accepted. they were all very kind. but i could tell there was like a -- because you never know what somebody's going to be like. if your reputation precedes you, they worry that you might be a diva, you might be high maintenance. they were sort of -- there was a period where they were waiting to see how i was going to be. >> jimmy: but they found out you had water palms and it was fine. >> i did. >> jimmy: guillermo, i think you have sweaty palms if you have water palms, right? >> no, that means you have a really -- >> jimmy: right here, come sit on my lap, megan's going to read your palm. he's been going to a trainer but he might let her go, isn't that right? >> guillermo: that's right. >> jimmy: that's true. >> you also have an earth hand. >> jimmy: that's nice that must be why we get along. >> okay, let's get into this. so you have a wide-reaching lifeline which means you're probably going to travel a lot or you may have moved far away from home.
>> there you go. i did not know this, everyone, you're going to be super impressed by the time i'm done. this is your head line here. it's connected to your lifeline which indicates there was some sort of at least psychological trauma from the early parenting. or early childhood. >> jimmy: that's true. >> i have it too, don't feel bad. it's the first thing i checked on my own kids and theirs is separated. >> jimmy: his mother made fun of his moustache. >> your head line swoops down which means you're a create ive thinker, you're not a linear thinker, you're a more creative time. do you believe that's true? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah definitely yeah. >> and then you have a pretty decent love line. >> jimmy: oh! >> it forks right here. >> jimmy: really? his love line is forking right now? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my goodness. >> close your hand and let me see the sides.
relationships in your life. i don't know if you've already had all of them. there's definitely a marriage, that is marriage line. >> jimmy: he's married. >> there's three so you may have had two other significant relationships before your wife or -- >> jimmy: could i be one of his relationships? >> it doesn't show me gender, so sure, it could be. do you feel that jimmy is one of your significant relationships? >> guillermo: well, he does second -- the best second thing that happened to my life. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: see that? thank you. >> guillermo: the first is my son. >> jimmy: the first his son, the second is me, the third one is chalupas. right? get off my lap, come on, megan fox is here. why did you touch his hand and not mine, this is outrageous. >> we didn't get that far into your palm reading, you went to commercial. >> jimmy: next time you come. horrible it won't
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>> jimmy: we're back. still to come, chris stapleton. our next moved from the o.c. to d.c. comics, he plays rookie cop and future bat summoner. james gordon battling baby penguins and junior-jokers on " gotham." it returns to the air february 29th on fox. please welcome ben mckenzie! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let me see your palms. you have effort hands. >> guys deeply into my eyes. >> the earth hands thing means you have dirty fingernails. >> i was watching that going, jimmy, do whatever you have to, do it's worth it. >> jimmy: very good to see you. you came in from new york? >> that's right, on furlough from "gotham" for 24 hours only. >> jimmy: was there ever any consideration you would not shoot the show "dwoth gotham"?
[ cheers and applause ] i started off there, unemployed actor. >> jimmy: oh, really, so your living conditions have improved. >> they have. i actually shared a bunk bed. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> with an old roommate. i was 23 years old. i had a bunk bed. the room was too small, i had to share a room for $700 a month. >> jimmy: who got the top bunk? >> he got the top bunk. >> jimmy: that is better? i think the top bunk -- you think the top bunk is the best but then as the years go by you're like, i'm going to sleep on the bottom, be honest, any conversation where you're starting "we had a bunk bed" it's a lose-lose. i was a bottom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how about when you bring a young lady home, and you have bunk beds? >> first of all, you try as hard as you possibly can do go to her place. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's the first move. the second move is the sock on the door. >> jimmy: that's a classic. >> yeah, yeah, sure. >> jimmy: it really is. >> do not come in here. please, please, please.
already sleeping on the top bunk? >> that may have happened. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. for me that would have been an out. that would have been, all right, i'm going to see you. >> for her it was an out too, i think, yeah. >> jimmy: okay, good, you're enjoying your time there in new york now? >> it's fantastic. i love new york. the energy of the city is so unbelievable. the interaction with the fans is a little bit different. >> jimmy: you're shooting right -- >> shooting on location, all over the city, the boroughs. in l.a. it's like, hey, man, i saw your show. in new york it's like, hey, you! from across the street. >> jimmy: right. >> hey, you the [ bleep ] on gotham? yeah, yeah, that's me. >> jimmy: and you are -- >> i like it. you're like, thanks. >> i want to ask you about, i see you are sporting a little bit of facial hair. >> yes. >> jimmy: commissioner gordon, i know you're not commissioner yet on the show. >> right. >> jimmy: for those who don't know -- by the way i enjoy the
it sounded ridiculous when i heard the idea. but you're on your way toward becoming commissioner gordon. >> yes. >> jimmy: commissioner gordon, when i watch the old batman show and all the comics, has a moustache. >> yes. he's also -- more full-figured. >> jimmy: he's also more full-figured. >> he's a little -- i'm not there yet. >> jimmy: well, you know what i'm saying is i'm not suggesting that you put on weight. but we do have some moustaches here. i don't know if you want to select one of these -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: none of them of really right for your hair. >> this is quite dashing. >> jimmy: this one i'd steer away from. >> no? that with the blond hair and blue eyes might be a problem? >> jimmy: yeah. >> was this even -- who was in charge of this moustache? >> jimmy: that came from salvador dali or something, i'm not sure.
i do have some rubber cement if you want to try one on. >> we can do this. >> jimmy: they might be a little sticky. or use the pin. try that one. >> this could work. >> jimmy: it may be the most normal of all of them. >> is this going to fall apart? >> jimmy: probably. put that on. let's see what commissioner gordon -- see? [ cheers and applause ] there is a certain appeal. yeah, no moustache is a good idea. give it a few years. maybe you grow the moustache then. it will be a big moment. the show's very successful. >> yeah, we're doing great. we're doing great. we're having a lot of fun. it's new york. and we're out in the elements in the freezing cold. >> jimmy: which is very different from the o.c. which i think when we first started this show. >> the beach. >> jimmy: that was the biggest show in the world, the o.c. >> i know. then it was over. >> jimmy: yes, suddenly. it's weird. it was a weird thing.
>> jimmy: like, we decided we've had enough of this. >> that was filmed in manhattan beach on the beach most days. now i'm sitting there freezing in new york. >> jimmy: things have really changed for you, for the worse. >> the worse. a slow precipitous fall, actually. >> jimmy: things are going very well for you. it's very good to see you. congratulations. the show comes back on february 29th. 8:00 on fox. "gotham," everybody, ben mckenzie. we'll be right back with chris stapleton! >> announcer: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented
[ cheers and applause ] i was looking for a change of scene you were looking at a magazine it was red carpets and limousines and the grass seemed so much greener all we wanted was to get there fast so we packed up everything we had running on hope and a tank of gas like dreams ain't just for dreamers we couldn't wait to leave that life behind trying to find salvation
and one of those la nights when the stars come out oh the stars come out and shine and they burn so bright they drown the downtown lights when the stars come out oh when the stars come out everybody's somebody someday everybody's got a part to play everybody's trying to find a way to say what needs saying everybody's got a friend of a friend somebody that can get you in begging angels for a sin in a game that we're all playing you and i
this is "nightline." >> tonight, four teenagers' lives forever changed in an instant. a costly mistake with shocking consequences. >> he's got a dead body. >> they were sentenced to decades behind bars even though none of them pulled the trigger. >> i didn't kill anyone. >> the controversial conviction setting off a national firestorm. >> i think it's overkill. >> their mothers now on a mission to free their sons. we take you inside the prison the young men dreaming of a second chance. and we're right there as their lives change yet again.